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The Abyss Guide now has a 4-page Character Sheet, and 6 pages of add-ons!

After a temporary hiatus, the Grey Jackal is back in action!


 

 A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations

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valismedsen

valismedsen


Posts : 75
Join date : 2012-06-11
Age : 41
Location : Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

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PostSubject: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeSun Jun 24, 2012 9:26 pm

First topic message reminder :

The Black Magister
Spoiler:
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Gattison
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Join date : 2012-06-03

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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeMon Apr 01, 2013 6:37 pm

Peter:

urbanfractal wrote:
He was the child of the infamous Lord Marcus, the original creator of the Path of Power and Inner Voice.[5]

So I'm editing for grammar and punctuation and stuff, and as I go I'm looking up all the references so I can familiarize myself a bit, and I must say, this fact looks like it may be off. The reference states that Lord Marcus originally created the Path of Power/Inner Voice, but does not state that he is Alexandre's sire. I Googled it, too, and didn't find anything. Is there some other source that made you say this?

EDIT: Also, I noticed you didn't mention the pack of black-furred lupines that he seems associated with. This can also tie into other things we have in the book... is there a way we could sneak that into the text somewhere?

(The NPC I made, Cardinal Reyes, was associated with a Shadow Lord werewolf who wanted to help her extinguish the sun, both of which are based upon canonical motivations.)
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urbanfractal

urbanfractal


Posts : 8
Join date : 2012-12-08
Age : 42
Location : Heraklion, Crete, Greece

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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeTue Apr 02, 2013 6:58 am

It seems I have messed it up somewhere in the edit! I initially though it was his sire, but then found no mention about it anywhere, but didn't change it in the text. The fact that were both lords and one generation apart, led me to that assumption. It could be that way, or a mentor-protege relationship. In my mind it is both, and Marcus is diablerized by Alexandre. But that is another story Wink

I was about to edit it a bit more, as far as text flow is concerned. It feels a bit crammed and mind-twisting in some points. If you would like to do that, so that it fits with the rest of the book, please do.

On the topic of the werewolves, I believe that the initial pack discussed in GC2 is a pack of Get of Fenris and the later are Shadow Lords. That plot didn't make the cut, but I would sure like to see it in there.

Lastly, I would like to title this piece The Dark Monastery, for two reasons:
1) There is already "The Black Magister" so it would be nice not to fall in all the cliches. EDIT: Ahhh it seems in the text it is Dark Magister but the title is still Black Magister...
2) It is not THE Black Monastery, as it will be made clear in that little side-bar you mentioned. That could be entitled "Dark, not Black" or "All in Darkness is not Black" (to paraphrase all that glitters is not gold).

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Gattison
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Gattison


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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeTue Apr 02, 2013 3:25 pm

Here is what I have edited and written for the side-bar, so far. Please verify that everything is still in order.
The Black Monastery:
and the sidebar
Shady Research:
As you see, I crapped out the side-bar title "Shady Research," as sort of a pun, but I like your "All in Darkness is not Black" quote a lot better.

Also, the fact that the later Garou are shadow Lords is Perfect. =) I don't have a specific plot to suggest, but it would be nice to mention Shadow Lords here because Shadow Lords were mentioned elsewhere in the Abyss Guide. That alone could be used as a plot by someone.

EDIT: I also think that for the "childe of Marcus" situation, we could just add the word "maybe/possibly" or change the word to "protege." Though in truth, nothing from that particular reference suggests the two ever even met.
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urbanfractal

urbanfractal


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Age : 42
Location : Heraklion, Crete, Greece

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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeTue Apr 02, 2013 4:27 pm

Is there a maximum of additional words I should use to write about the fenris/lords change? I have something quite simple but oh, so graphic and effective in mind...
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Gattison
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Gattison


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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitimeTue Apr 02, 2013 7:16 pm

no. don't feel as if you need to stick to a word amount, this is a volunteer, electronic document. Write as much or as little as you feel is necessary for a good read.
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PostSubject: Re: A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations   A World of Darkness: Abyssal Locations - Page 4 Icon_minitime

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» CHAPTER 4 - Casting Shadows: Storytelling
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» Abyssal Links

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